My girlfriend just left my house. The 'rents are in the process of getting to sleep. And, I'm secretly freaking out because I'm sure my mother KNOWS.
I'm not ready for my mother to KNOW. Not yet. When I confessed a major crush on a female teacher some time ago, I was shamed. I feel I need to get out of the house, get distance from my parents, before they can KNOW. Before my family can know. I just can't take that look in my mom's eyes again. That "poor, poor pitiful misguided soul" sadness around the eyes. My dad likes to curse. And I'm terrified of his wrath if he were to discover the truth.
But, I'm not sure what to tell my family when I do come out.
I don't want to say that I'm "bisexual" because the last time I told a family member, she said it was a "stage", a natural curiosity (like Margaret Cho's mother said: "college is a gay time").
And, it's true I'm "only" a two on the Kinsey Scale and more generally find myself attracted to males but, now, I'm also in a relationship (make that an amazing, wonderful, mutual, compassionate, kind relationship that just happens to be with another young woman). I don't want to continue skating by on the privilege of being "mostly straight."
But an explanation of the labels "queer" or "pansexual", or an explication of the fluidity of female desire also seems untenable, completely beyond my family's comprehension. Not that they're not intelligent people, just really conservative.
Anyway, for all the self-labeling, I know it's as simple as introducing R, the woman I love, as my girlfriend to mom, dad, bro, and aunties.
She really is a beautiful person (and, did I mention, a poet!?!). My family would be damn lucky to have her with us.
Ugh, I'm just queer, in the closet, and scared. And getting to the point where I just don't understand why love between two consenting adults would be so potentially scandalous. I mean, in theory, I "understand"---ya know, plumbing and parts "not fitting." But the world is so low on love as it is, why begrudge someone this grace?
How could they look into my eyes and tell me (which no doubt they will) that this tender, faithful, and loyal love is wrong?
On another note...
Being in the closet is one of the most mentally-wracking and terrifying things a person can go through. It isn't easy.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm almost certain that once you come out... once you introduce R to your family as the woman you love, a huge burden will lift... it will be less scary. You won't have to hide. If they have an issue, they have an issue. You take your love elsewhere.
Yes, it will be difficult at first, helping your family cope with the reality of it. But you can do it. I know you're strong enough for this.
They, especially your mom, will still love you no matter what.
I remember something in the Bible... something about God not giving us issues or burdens we can't handle. Sometimes that seems like complete f'ing bullshit, right? But once you're on the other side of this... which, someday, you will be... and you'll say, "Wow. That really didn't kill me. I did it." And then you're going to write some amazing story or poem or song or something that's going to inspire another person who's going through the same thing.
And I'm here for you. And I love you. So, so, so much.
I know how you feel. I'm too scared to tell my very conservative dad that I'm transitioning right now, though of course after a while it will be hard to notice. We can't hide our natures forever, though, and someday we'll have to show our respective parents these parts of ourselves that we're afraid they may not like. I know we can do it! I'm proud of you. :)
ReplyDeleteRhae
It is very hard to keep protecting the woman you love. However, eventually you are going to have to stop protecting her. The best solution that I have come up with is the both of you equally presenting, and explaining both sides. Skip the labels. They are confusing and do not get the point across. R is not just a homosexual, partner, lover, or girlfriend, but simply, she is R.
ReplyDeleteYour father will probably not accept her at first. Assuming that she has gained some level of liking, respect, and trust from him means that she will have to earn all of that back. As a man. The wrath will not just be in cursing, but he will also test her. Hard. Your mother will focus on not only her ability to provide for you, but also on the emotional well-being of your relationship. ““That "poor, poor pitiful misguided soul"” will have to be very stubborn as well as sensitive. R will be questioned on how genuine she is, but also how supportive, flexible, and down-to-earth she is. In short, R will have to become both sexes. As both she'll have to prove strength, perseverance, and creativity.
Furthermore, these standards will apply to you as well. R will need your support because she will not be able to do this alone. No matter how hard she tries, no matter how “good” she is, somewhere deep in her heart there will be doubts. And that's where you come in as a shield. She'll be her hardest on herself. Expect to see some sides of her that aren't so pretty. Love her anyway.
Your mom will probably still accept you for who you are inside, but don't expect her to give up so easily either. Expect her to have a bone to pick with R. It might even be good to have them talk alone, but you be the judge on that one.
Make sure you know that R is aware of your love, and of how much you are worrying about this. Mutual, compassionate, and kind as the relationship is it's going to be shaky if communication isn't your strong point. To use your words, “I don't want to continue skating by on the privilege of being "mostly straight,"” is dead on. This is one thing that all three of you aren't going to be happy with forever. You can skip the labeling, but none of you are going to be satisfied if you keep trying to decide what you are, instead of focusing on what is.
R is a poet, as well as someone who is standing behind you. However, what rings truest are your own words (in no particular order)
“I know it's as simple as introducing R, the woman I love, as my girlfriend to mom, dad, bro, and aunties. She really is a beautiful person (and, did I mention, a poet!?!). My family would be damn lucky to have her with us. But the world is so low on love as it is, why begrudge someone this grace? How could they look into my eyes and tell me (which no doubt they will) that this tender, faithful, and loyal love is wrong?”
I think that R loves you just as much. I have faith in her to fight. Poets are generally lions in lambs clothing. She'll try and protect you too you know. A warning, not saying that she will, but she might lie to protect you. That's where you'll need to step in. However, expect her to be scared, emotional, and even try to fight physically if she thinks you're going to get hurt. The idea of losing you is going to be an extremely strong force too, and she'll need to know during the process that you aren't going to back away from her. She's going to need communication, commitment, and compassion, the three “C's” if you will.
However, once all of this is dealt with, I am certain that a huge burden will lift. You won't have to worry about protecting her, and you can move on to other things. Cuddling on the couch, or simply not having to watch what you say around each other is going to be a blessing. You and R are both strong enough to deal with this, and eventually your parents will hopefully come around. Maybe not as supportive, but at least accepting of her and you as a couple.
-Redbird-