Forgiving Christianity...

This post is a little late, but alas, as they say, better late than never.

Sunday, for the first time in ages, I went to church.

Maybe it's all the disheartening reading I've done about the church universal, but I admit I've felt alienated from this local little organ of "the Body." Most likely, though, it's because relationships are difficult for me in general, and I was hoping someone from church could break through. They haven't.

This is not their fault. Duh. No one is obligated to do anything they 1) don't want to do 2) don't have time to do 3) or when they aren't aware there's a need. Of course, that annoying, itch-like, accumulation of "I don't belong" has kind of been soul crushing.

Saturday night, though, my heart was "strangely warmed", like, "ya know, I should suck it up and go to church tomorrow." Every time I opened up the Bible, it spoke about gathering with the assembly and loving your sisters and brothers in Christ.

It just "so happened", as if anything of late has been happenstance, the sermon that Sunday morning was about "taking offense" and how nursing resentment can lead to hatred, the spiritual equivalent of murder. The way to combat this, our pastor said, was forgiveness.

By that time, I'd made the choice to "suck it up", and repent for the attitude about our congregation. I had chosen to show up.

But then, it occurred to me. I was never angry with these individual people. This group is so amazing, so loving and accepting. It was never them.

I was mad at Christianity itself.

If you want to get down to it, I'm mad at "the church" for being so obtuse. For valuing "beliefs" over the people who believe. For creating such a sex-negative, shaming atmosphere. For a history of violence in the name of God. For betraying our trust, the trust of queer/gender variant friends excluded and abused by it. For threatening Hell, forcing people to be "born" into God's family before ze are ready. For the inquisition. For colonialism. For sexism. Classism. Racism. Homophobia. For not listening to the voices of the oppressed, something YHWH implored Hir people to do over and over in the OT. Something that Jesus did. For fearing science. For obsessing about the letter of the law and missing the Spirit.

Granted, it's not all bad. And, it's had glorious, shining moments. And, granted I'm not much better.

But, the fact that all this has happened under the auspices of "God's Will", scares me sometimes, reservations accumulating in my muscles like arsenic.

So deadly.

So, what's the answer?

Pastor Jeff, and Jesus, seem to have the right answer.

Forgive.

How does one go about "forgiving" an institution? Has anyone else been here? How do you deal?

Is it even possible to forgive an institution versus an individual? Especially if the offending individuals have passed out of memory?

Some say no. Though, in the Bible, God often holds groups accountable for various things. It would make sense if, in fact, the personal is political is communal. The body---wait, no, humanity is just that, a community. If one person hurts, we all do.

So, the question remains. How does one let a large body off the hook? Any ideas?