Random Music Post

These songs have been on loop in my head (in my head. zombie zombie zombie!). Thought I'd share the obsession.

Ok, this lady is a rapper from France, right? It's been a while since I've really listened to any French music, I'm a lapsed Francophile. I dig her voice. And the fact that she's not five pounds. Finding a translation has been maddening but even without the lyrics, this song haunts me. The best I can tell, it's about Romeo + Juliet. *sighs at romanticized violence* I hope the melody haunts you too.

Anais is another french singer. This song was originally done by The Blood Arm and endlessly winds up stuck in my head. I like the French version better and, of course, Anais' voice. So pretty.

La Roux, not French this time (Canadian), is the aural equivalent of speed.

Next, some classic Ani. *sigh* Actually, a cover. THE MOST AMAZING COVER EVER. This is not an overstatement. This lady punches me in my gut every time she opens her mouth to sing.

Last, but not least, Ellis. Not only is her voice really pretty, she may be the most adrable person ever. This is not an overstatement

.

Ok, maybe not last. I recently discovered this song by Dar Williams not long ago. This song made me cry like a frickin baby.

Queer and Scared

My girlfriend just left my house. The 'rents are in the process of getting to sleep. And, I'm secretly freaking out because I'm sure my mother KNOWS.

I'm not ready for my mother to KNOW. Not yet. When I confessed a major crush on a female teacher some time ago, I was shamed. I feel I need to get out of the house, get distance from my parents, before they can KNOW. Before my family can know. I just can't take that look in my mom's eyes again. That "poor, poor pitiful misguided soul" sadness around the eyes. My dad likes to curse. And I'm terrified of his wrath if he were to discover the truth.

On this site, I haven't written much about my personal queerness for precisely this reason. I'm not "out" yet (at least to my family as you know) and, it hardly seems fair to those in the LGBTQQIA community who are, in fact, out & proud & visible; those who are working for equality by just being who they are. And, of course, those who are also actively involved in the political struggle.

But, I'm not sure what to tell my family when I do come out.

I don't want to say that I'm "bisexual" because the last time I told a family member, she said it was a "stage", a natural curiosity (like Margaret Cho's mother said: "college is a gay time").

And, it's true I'm "only" a two on the Kinsey Scale and more generally find myself attracted to males but, now, I'm also in a relationship (make that an amazing, wonderful, mutual, compassionate, kind relationship that just happens to be with another young woman). I don't want to continue skating by on the privilege of being "mostly straight."

But an explanation of the labels "queer" or "pansexual", or an explication of the fluidity of female desire also seems untenable, completely beyond my family's comprehension. Not that they're not intelligent people, just really conservative.

Anyway, for all the self-labeling, I know it's as simple as introducing R, the woman I love, as my girlfriend to mom, dad, bro, and aunties.

She really is a beautiful person (and, did I mention, a poet!?!). My family would be damn lucky to have her with us.

Ugh, I'm just queer, in the closet, and scared. And getting to the point where I just don't understand why love between two consenting adults would be so potentially scandalous. I mean, in theory, I "understand"---ya know, plumbing and parts "not fitting." But the world is so low on love as it is, why begrudge someone this grace?

How could they look into my eyes and tell me (which no doubt they will) that this tender, faithful, and loyal love is wrong?

On another note...

Absurdities...

As for the above:

I'm not even angry anymore. More sad than anything because 1) 50,000(?) are feared dead in Haiti 2) people agree with Robertson, thinking that God is behind earthquakes vs. well, tectonic plates 3) the victim blaming of Haiti when, in truth, it's poverty probably has more to do with...well, colonial history.

Ugh.

Help for Haiti

Over at Shakesville, there's an article containing a list of links.

Please don't forget about the 7.0 earthquake in Haiti.

Today

The worst possible thing that could have happened, happened.

It might be a long time before I'm able to write about it, perhaps.

But, now that the dust has settled a bit, I feel I have a second chance. It's the weirdest sense of quasi-hope.

I might have just hit bottom earlier today. And, for some reason, it seems easier to climb up from the last rung than mid-way up the ladder. Less vertigo.

Sometimes forests have to be burned down before anything new can grow?

There are the fingerprints of providence all over this.

Being broken isn't so bad, if it means light finally gets through.

Oh God, if being humble means being broken, keep me broken; not with self-hatred, but with love...

Still Forgiving...

Today, I came across several posts on fem-blogs which discussed Xianity and feminism.

The question people asked, repeatedly, is whether or not feminism and Xitianity could coexist since Xianity seems overwhelmingly patriarchal.

Some outright denied that one could hold both to feminist belief and the Bible with intellectual veracity.

Of course, I personally believe working for the equality for women is an integral part of "loosening the bonds of oppression" and "loving your neighbor" spoken of in the Bible.

My first thought was that we Christian feminists aren't Easter bunnies. We do exist.

For the briefest of moments, I felt the sting of being "othered" because of Christianity.

Then, like a spray of cold water to the face, it occurred to me that this is what it's like to be someone of another religion in America. For a second, my privilege was stripped away and it hurt.

My next thought was, oh, dear God, what have we done to people? Even when we can boast 77% of Americans identify as Christian and/or Catholic, we feel ourselves to be a persecuted minority.

We're not. I'm not.

And, I even still conflate the Kingdom of God with "Christendom."

The Kingdom of God?

I'll file this under "forgiving pertinent individuals" (myself) and move on for now.

But it really was eye-opening

This documentary looks amazing...

Over at Feministing...

This is very interesting:

Stereotypes: Why We Act Without Thinking

These are for the nerds.